Special Guest Author: Mom's Birthday Present
Hullo, there.
Allow me, if you will, to introduce myself. My name is Ralph, and I am a gift.
Goodness, that sounds arrogant, doesn’t it? Let’s try this again.
Hello, I’m Ralph. My dimensions are 7 inches cubed. I have a green ribbon and a blue-and-white floral print wrapping. I like parties, nights out with friends, and…
Now I sound like I’m writing a personals ad. Less oblique, Ralph, get to the point!
Hello. My name is Ralph. I am a present.
Now I sound like I’m in an AA meeting. Good lord, who knew correspondence could be so difficult?
Let’s just jump into the thick of it. My name is Ralph. Greg has been kind enough to grant me a role as guest writer here on the blog. Today is the birthday of the Gallagher siblings’ mother, and Greg thought it would be prudent to allow her birthday present to speak.
I would like to set the scene, but sadly I cannot, because I have no idea where I am. Wherever it is, it’s dark, and it’s cramped, and it’s very loud, and it smells like I’m crammed next to a package of cured salami.
Perhaps beginning in medias res was ill-advised. Let’s go back to the beginning.
It all started a few days ago, when Greg and I headed to the local post office for my transcontinental journey.
Unfortunately, I learned that the post office’s version of “first class” is a bit overstated. I am accustomed to refined treatment. Do I look like a cheese sampler? I don’t think so.
Instead of flying plebian class, Greg and I booked my passage with a local specialist.
Greg swore that this agent would have me travel in style.
Upon booking passage, however, I learned that I would not fly unfettered, but instead be forced to confine myself for the duration of the journey in that.
Despite my fervent protestation, Greg assured me that this was the best way to get to New York. I did not relent. “How will your mother know that there is a gift in such a plain, unremarkable box? Surely you don’t expect me to arrive looking like a giant bouillon cube?!”
After much heated discussion, Greg finally promised to dress up my outer box so that I would be easily identifiable upon arrival in New York.
Of course, I’m in that box right now, probably somewhere over Topeka or in a distribution center in Des Moines, so I can hardly climb out and describe my appearance to you. But Greg promised to take one more picture of my vessel before I left, so that he could include it when he posted my correspondence. Greg, could you show that picture here, please?
I’m sure I look sophisticated.
See you in New York!
- Ralph
