gallaghr

Andrew, I officially love the Rewind Game. Let me try.

Major League: Rachel Phelps, the owner of the Cleveland Indians, succeeds brilliantly in her plan to turn the popular team into a failure by transforming the players into a band of ragtag societal misfits.

My Fair Lady: Eliza Doolittle has broken turn-of-the-century English taboo by transcending her class. Henry Higgins turns her into a common flower girl. Order restored.

Patton: Nobody runs from the Nazis faster than the Seventh Army.

Twelve Angry Men: This one stays the same.

Waiting for Godot: Damn it.  This one stays the same, too. Twice.

<COMPLETELY FORCED SEGUE>Anyway…</COMPLETELY FORCED SEGUE>

Leo Cullum, the New Yorker cartoonist, died this week.  I’ve been reading the New Yorker religiously since I was in high school, and Cullum’s work has long been one of my favorite parts of the magazine.

What I did not know until his death was that, for Cullum, cartooning was a side gig.  His day job for thirty years was flying planes for TWA.  Cullum’s cartoonist life began because he used his spare time well.  While enduring layovers in countless terminals, Cullum would draw.  And with this happy hobby, he made readers laugh, including me.  I’ve rarely guffawed outright at a New Yorker cartoon, but when I did, it was usually Cullum’s.

Leo Cullum was a special talent working for a special magazine, but he was far from unique.  I’m comforted to think that the world offers more opportunities for creativity today than it did when Cullum was first published in the 1970s.  It’s already a cliché to point out how the internet has changed our lives, but the change that excites me the most is the opportunity for exposure it offers artists.  The aspiring cartoonist need not be accepted by a newspaper syndicate or sell freelance work to magazines, as he did even ten years ago.  The internet is a meritocracy in a way the old venues are not, and this change has allowed many tremendous talents to reach new audiences and thrive.  There are several web artists whose sites I visit on a weekly basis, but I haven’t read the hardcopy funny papers in years.

I am additionally excited by the way we, the audience, interact as a community with these artists.  A friend of mine is a pilot.  When I posted news of Cullum’s death on Facebook, she mentioned that she had flown jets with Cullum many times.  For years now, I had been two degrees of separation from Leo Cullum and never known it.  I could have traded emails with him and told him I loved his work.  Now I can’t.  As we get better at harnessing the internet’s collaborative capabilities, I think we’ll miss fewer and fewer of those opportunities.  We’ll know these creators not just by their art, but by our relationships with them as well.  Tennessee Williams once said that to know him was not to love him; if lucky, it meant tolerating him.  I would have appreciated the chance to try.

Maybe this blog will be a little of that.  All five of us are busy living our lives, but I think it’s nice to find time once a week to create and share.  And the rest of the time, we can keep flying.

- Greg

“Rewind” is a term many of us have forgotten.  Back in the days when a movie didn’t automatically go back to a menu screen, the machine had to physically spin the tape the movie was imprinted on all the way back to the beginning of the movie, and it was very frustrating.  However, it did lead to “The Rewind Game.”

A few of my friends last year had been watching “Beauty and the Beast” on VHS when I stopped by for a visit.  When they finished they began rewinding the movie but let the movie play through backwards on the television.  I commented to my friend’s boyfriend,

“That was very nice of the Beast to pull Gaston back up onto the battlements.”

He laughed and responded,

“And look, Gaston is repaying him but pulling the arrow out of his back!”

We continued making these jokes until the movie reached it’s anti-climatic opening, and then began to play the game hypothetically with other movies.  I want to share a list of my favorites:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

THE REWIND GAME

ANNIE - Daddy Warbucks takes a cute little girl and shoves her in an Orphanage.

STAR WARS IV - Luke Skywalker builds the Death Star with a single photon torpedo, allowing it to create Alderan, and then Luke retires to crappy a moisture farm on a desert planet.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON - Brad Pitt grows old.

FINDING NEMO - Marlin the fish tries to ditch his son, Nemo, in Sidney, only to have Nemo track him down and be reunited by divers.

LOST IN SPACE - The heartwarming story of a family’s return to earth.

BACK TO THE FUTURE - Marty McFly goes back in time to break up his parents, only to fail and find his future now sucks.

ET - The movie honestly didn’t change much.

INDIANA JONES (RAIDERS) - After witnessing the Ark of the Covenant create an army of Nazi’s, Indiana Jones buries the Ark in a tomb of snakes where it will never do harm again.

JAWS - They put a giant shark in the water, and then open a beach.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If you think of you own, I’d love to hear them!

And again you can follow me on twitter @BigAXC

and follow this blog @gallaghrblog

~ Andrew

Hot and cold. Up and down. (“Bugs and trucks!” - Cameo: Phil from Rugrats). Men and Women. All of these, with the exception of ‘bugs and trucks’, are complete opposites. Men will never understand women. Never. Women, although they think they have a grasp on the inner workings of the average man, will never understand men. Many women are telling their friends at work, on the phone, “Oh no, not my guy, I’m working with him. He’s coming along”. No he’s not. It’s just the way things are. I will never understand how a woman could take boiling hot wax, pour it on her upper thigh, rip the hair out of the root - and still be afraid of a spider. I’m not spending anymore time thinking about it. I’m not getting anywhere. Women, on the other hand, will never be able to understand what men are thinking either. “I wonder what goes on in that little brain of his.” I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but I can if you’d like. Would you like to really know what men are thinking? Nothing. They’re just walking around, looking around and thinking - nothing. 

But perhaps that’s why opposites attract. Without that little bit of uncertainty and, I suppose, curiosity, life would be pretty boring. So I say let’s accept it for what it is. 

Here’s a few clips to help further my viewpoint on this matter:

1) Brian Regan in “The Epitome of Hyperbole”.

2) A scene from the hit TV show “Friends”. 

 - Joe

(Note: Most of my comments on this matter are accredited to Jerry Seinfeld in “I’m Telling You For The Last Time”.)

This past weekend, I had to babysit my little cousins since their parents and the rest of that side of the family were at a wedding. Two of my cousins and I had to watch five little girls ranging in age from 2-10 years old.

Of course there were fights and screaming and crying. Besides that, they were all pretty well behaved. No one really bled..too much. I was mostly with the 2 year old since she was not used to her parents not being around for a long period of time. She would cry a lot for her parents. After she calmed down after crying for about 15 minutes straight one time, I decided that I would try and teach her a couple of new words.

Molly-“April, wanna learn some new words?”

April-“Yeah!”

Molly-“Alright, let’s try the word Eskimo. Ready..say ‘es’..”

April-“Es”

Molly-” Now say ‘ki’ “

April-“Ki”

Molly-“Now say ‘mo’”

April- “Mo”

Molly-“Now say Eskimo.”

April-“BOX!”

Later on, she had another crying fit. So I taught her how to spell “banana.” She copied me exactly. Then I said,” Okay, now you do it.” She looked at me and went,”cpnacpa!” She had the biggest grin on her face afterward because she was proud of herself for spelling “banana.”

April would also start crying for no reason at all. She would just burst into tears out of nowhere. So I sat her down and said,” Why are you crying?” and she replied, “No.” I said,” Who are you mad at?” To which she replied again, “No.” I told her that if she told me what was wrong that I would give her some candy. I asked her again, “Why are you crying?” and she said, ” I don’t know…CANDY!” She began to laugh after saying this.

I was babysitting the girls with two of my other cousins, who are boys. My older cousin, Mike, stopped by for a little to help. Whenever any of the boys walked into the room April was in, she would burst into tears…again. I would take her into the next room and sit her down on my lap. She would be heaving at this point from crying so hard. I looked at her and said, “What’s the matter?” She started to hysterically cry again and start saying,”No guys…No guys!” over and over again. I just began to laugh at this point and she just kept repeating it over and over again. While this was going on, Mike was leaving and he had to walk through the room we were in to leave. When April saw him, she started to cry even harder and put her head on my shoulder so she wouldn’t have to see him.

Kids say the darndest things…

This is April, such a cutie.

-Molly

Molly, on Monday you reopened the question of how giraffes handle being born. We should take your question seriously.  It’s a fair one. 

It turns out that giraffes do not in fact walk immediately upon birth.  According to the internet, a baby giraffe can be born from as high up as six feet.  So, I guess the first thing they do is plummet.  And scream.

Moving on…

***

When the guys and I conceived this blog, I was flying around a lot for work.  I hate flying, but however bad it might be here in the States, it’s nothing compared to the terrors I encountered when I lived in Europe.

Europe has a lot of hopper flights.  There are people who commute by plane between places like London and Brussels on a near-daily basis.  This has created a market for some airlines that cut out the frills, like drinks. And bathrooms. And hope.

On these flights, the crap-your-pants-in-terror worst part was the safety announcement.  This is when you would find out — after it was too late to get off the plane — what kind of airline you were dealing with.  What follows is one such announcement I heard during my travels.

Hello, and beneficial morning to you.  My name is Pavel, and I am being your top flying assistant during this unstoppable flying from Stuttgart to Riga.  On speaking for all the people of Budget Air, might I please thank you for the choosing of our airline for your flying today.

Prior to the beginning of our flying, we ask all of you to please regard our flying assistants as they explain to you our safety methodology.  It is superbly consequential that you have your safety ropes fastened at both limits of our flight.  You should also fasten your safety rope whenever the safety-rope lamp is lit.  The safety-rope lamp is visible floating above your sitting place.  Although our flying is not smokeless, we ask you to please not be lighting your cigarettes with the safety-rope lamp, as this can cause the plane to be exploding.

If you are not confident how to tie a safety rope, please be asking one of our comely flying assistants for their expert opinion.  All Budget Air flying assistants are very well educated in many acceptable safety-rope knots, such as the Double Pretzel, the Huddling Squirrels, and the Neglected Housewife.  You may select to be unfastening of your safety rope during our flying, but if you select this choice, please do not be allowing your safety ropes to dangle into the moving elements of the plane, which are seeable beneath your feet.  If your safety ropes are being tangled in these mechanisms, it can cause the plane to be exploding.

You are not being forbidden by Budget Air to view through your window, but the practice is discouraging.  Many flying participants conclude that the viewing of the activity of Budget Air’s patented External Combustion Engine^® is unpleasant.

Our flying comprises of many turns, and to be of most efficiency, we ask all of you to be of assisting to us in this turning.  So please, when you are seeing our flying assistants crafting hand motions to you to lean your bodies to the left-wise or right-wise, we ask that you do this.  These leanings help Budget Air to save fuel, which makes your flying cheaper.  It also helps us to be turning correctly, which gives insurance to a safe and right-side-up arrival in Riga.

In the occurrence of a sudden middle-flying crashing, there are catastrophe exits all around the plane.  Those flying participants sitting most close to these exits are being asked in the occurrence of a sudden middle-flying crashing to aid your fellow flying participants, first through the peeling off of the duct tape fastening the exits, and then in the helping of ejecting your fellow flying participants.  Special shoving prods will be distributed to all such flying participants in the occurrence of a sudden middle-flying crashing.

In the occurrence of a sudden middle-flying crashing into water, please don your sudden-middle-flying-crashing-into-water buoyancy vest.  You may be discovering this vest beneath your seat.  Please do not be fearful from the odor of your buoyancy vest.  The buoyancy vests are filled with lamb fat, which is always floating in water.  Your seat cushion is not being buoyant.  Please do not be removing your seat cushion, as this can cause the plane to be exploding.

There are possibilities of meals during this flying.  All flying participants may be eating either a sausage dish or fresh lamb roast.  Please be giving our flying assistants your request when they ask you, so that they may be preparing the proper quantity of lamb.  Budget Air strives to slaughter the minimal number of lambs necessary for our flying.

You may also be listening to our not-charged music selections.  Should you require head-telephones for this objective, please simply be asking one of our flying assistants.  We are encouraging that you listen to our not-charged music selections prior to the service of meals, as some of our customers are explaining they find the sounds of lamb slaughter to be unpleasant.

Also in addendum, please do not be allowing your head-telephone cords to dangle into the moving elements of the plane, which are seeable beneath your feet.  This can cause the plane to be exploding.

From the people of the corporation of Budget Air, we thank you for the appointing of us the object of your flying desires.  We hope you have a pleasantly complete flight.

- Greg

So apparently, the gang on here believes that I’m not the brightest person out there. This, of course, is a lie. I’m quite an intelligent, intellectual person…sometimes. But I do have the tendency to say things that aren’t always the smartest.

This past August the family and I were traveling up to Canada to go on a lakeside vacation. My parents decided that it would be a fantastic idea to put all five of us in the same car…this is where they went wrong since we are all a little judgmental of each other.

I don’t remember how but we got onto the conversation about giraffes. They were discussing how when a baby giraffe is born, they have to stand up right away. Of course in my curious way i asked the first question that popped into my head, “Do they know that they’re suppose to do that or do they figure it out once they’re born?” This caused an uproar of laughter in the car to the point where they had to call my parents in the car ahead of us to tell them what just happened. Did I feel stupid about my question? Yes. Do I feel like I am the only person in the world that has asked this question? Of course not. To this day, my question had still not been answered.

-Molly